Dear Loneliness,
I don’t really know if you’re dear to me in the first place, I’m just trying to follow the convention. Trying not to follow the convention has been the dominant reason why I’ve landed in your company, not that I’m trying to change, it’s just that someone told me that I should be grateful to all I have, and you came first to my mind.
My relationship with you has always been insidious, invisible to everyone as if you were the Ryuk to my Light, Kurama to my Naruto, Venom to my Eddie.
It hasn’t exactly been healthy, but surely does feel empowering, and crippling at times. The time you’ve made me spend with myself has helped me know myself better, whether I like it or not, is a whole different story. I’ve grown with, and not in spite of you. Now that your very essence is a part of me, I don’t want it anymore.
It gets worse, because each attempt of mine trying to do away with you, only makes me realise how better off I am with you. Have you not grown tired of me? Like everyone does? Or is it just that You’ve been having trouble making friends with others too? Are they afraid of you too? Because if they really could understand you, you’re as likeable as anyone else, almost addictive.
Are you just here because I’m the only one who gets you, and knows your worth? Don’t worry, if that is the case, I don’t turn my back on friends.
It isn’t like I fear missing out on moments, the ones full of people and parties. It is just that I crave for an intimate understanding of thoughts and emotions like I have with you, but with a real person. I’ve wept, cried, screamed, and hurt myself in your presence, I understand your limitations, I knew you couldn’t stop me, but I knew if you were my friend, you wouldn’t want the watch me like that either, so I kept picking myself up.
While everyone would think I had people around me, that I really was the lucky little guy, I wish they could understand they could feel lonely at their family table too.
I wish they knew, you aren’t an equation proportional to the number of people one has in their lives, but a remainder the gets left behind when one constantly gets divided, with the problems of life being the dividend, and trying to deal with them by oneself being the divisor.
I understand you like me for several reasons, like for being an eccentric, for being a believer in the goodness of the world but not without mistrust, for my stupidity of not wanting a fake front for myself, and then being afraid of being real to others. I know you like me for my internal conflicts. You’re the kind of creepy chaser everyone hates, I wish they could make policies to deal with you.
Because recently… recently I’ve known, I’m not your only friend, I’m not the only one whom you constantly keep stalking, I’m not the only one who confides in you with their problems, I’m not the only one who comes running back to you when real people seem to hurt us more than you do.
I’m sorry if I got carried away, You aren’t as bad as everyone makes you look like, but sometimes, you’re just too much to bear with.
It is just sad how you make friends with almost everyone, and don’t let others know that.
Are you embarrassed of your friends? Are you embarrassed about being all accepting? Are you afraid that if you make your friends meet each other, they’ll forget you? I can understand, it’s not like it hasn’t happened to me.
But don’t worry, as I said, I understand your worth, and I’ll keep coming back to you, but I’ll go meet your other friends for now, and through that mutual friendship and understanding, we will accept you, just as you’ve been accepting everyone else.
Our kind might still remain a tribe of loners, just not lonely.
Your friend
Utkarsh
